If we weren't so smart we couldn't appreciate how dysfunctional we are.

Breakthroughs in psychology reveal runners aren't just crazy: we are crazy in different ways, each with names, degrees of severity and treatments we can buy into assuming we're rational and rich enough to afford them. For example:

Streakers: Obsessive-compulsives best treated by bondage ... er, bonding rituals. "Sorry, guys, can't run. I'm tied up with family."

Goers-Out-Too-Fast: Premature ejection of oneself into the lead pack can be dealt with through the squeeze technique: put your head in a vise and crank until your earlobes meet; or the Master and Johnson method: Master your pipe-dream you're Michael Johnson and go out slow.

Racing's even worse. Running competitions breed:

Paranoia: People behind really ARE out to get you.

Anxiety: Did I go out too fast? Are my splits even? Did my shorts split? Will SPAM and Moon Pies give me the fuel to go the distance?

Masochism and Pyromania: Feel the burn.

Even critters aren't exempt from the mental illnesses we read into them. Pet shrinks enlarge their wallets prescribing Prozac for poodles, lithium for lions and bipolar bears. My advice: Listen to your mind, not your inner animal. Any action you take indicts you, so just don't do it. Curl in a fetal position and cower about the maladies and magentlemen that await if you exert yourself. DO NOT RUN! By Scott Sullivan

If we weren't so smart we couldn't appreciate how dysfunctional we are.

Breakthroughs in psychology reveal runners aren't just crazy: we are crazy in different ways, each with names, degrees of severity and treatments we can buy into assuming we're rational and rich enough to afford them. For example:

Streakers: Obsessive-compulsives best treated by bondage ... er, bonding rituals. "Sorry, guys, can't run. I'm tied up with family."

Goers-Out-Too-Fast: Premature ejection of oneself into the lead pack can be dealt with through the squeeze technique: put your head in a vise and crank until your earlobes meet; or the Master and Johnson method: Master your pipe-dream you're Michael Johnson and go out slow.

Racing's even worse. Running competitions breed:

Paranoia: People behind really ARE out to get you.

Anxiety: Did I go out too fast? Are my splits even? Did my shorts split? Will SPAM and Moon Pies give me the fuel to go the distance?

Masochism and Pyromania: Feel the burn.

Even critters aren't exempt from the mental illnesses we read into them. Pet shrinks enlarge their wallets prescribing Prozac for poodles, lithium for lions and bipolar bears. My advice: Listen to your mind, not your inner animal. Any action you take indicts you, so just don't do it. Curl in a fetal position and cower about the maladies and magentlemen that await if you exert yourself. DO NOT RUN!