Benefits of Not Running: Myths and Facts
As I grow older, I find it increasingly healthy to sideline myself with injuries. Nothing prevents running burnout like not running. It keeps my legs fresh and reminds me there is more to life. (Loping, ambling, striding and galloping come to mind.)

To that end, I'd like to clear up not-running myths.

Q. You don't run HOW MANY miles a day? I don't even go that far in my car!

A. No one starts by not running this far. It takes months - sometimes years - of not training to work down to it. Regress cautiously. Runners who cut weekly mileage by more than 10 percent risk recovery. When life interferes with not-running - say, Godzilla is loose in your city - use common sense.

Q. You don't run in winter? Aren't you afraid you won't freeze your lungs?

A. No evidence exists of not freezing one's lungs due to inactivity. On the contrary, breathing - even when temperatures dip below zero - is health- enhancing.

Try this exercise: Next time you're tempted to run in winter, instead go ice-fishing. Dangle a string through a lake for hours, making sure to take 80-proof fluids frequently, till you max-out your numbness threshold. You will come home with 'gills to gut, and, if you cut yourself, feel no pain.

Q. Doesn't all that non-pounding cause non-injuries?

A. The key to all things is moderation. To prevent your legs from becoming vestigial, try this formula: For every TV ballgame, limp at least 30 times to the fridge and back, performing commercial intervals. Lubricate inner-body parts with pork rinds, and make sure to take lots of fluids. To build upper-body strength, lift 12-ounce weights.

Q. What about weight gain?

A. Set goals realistically. A non-runner who maintains his pre-injury diet will gain between 10 and 15 pounds monthly. Don't expect to be NFL tackle-size overnight.

If your goals are greater - say, to participate in the World Sumo Games by summer - you will have to raise calorie-intake while keeping activities to a minimum. Invest in a catheter, sparing you trips to and from the bathroom, and new floor joists. A retractable roof, through which a crane can raise and lower you, will save you the cost and energy of purchasing, then passing through, wider doors.

Q. What about equipment?

A. The staff at tent and awning shops can help customize your clothing. They'll take into account your pronation factor (how you roll over while on the couch), VO2 max (Volume of On-yuns and Oleo consumed) among other factors.

Many find not-running a fine opportunity to start smoking, playing bingo and ringing up 1-900 phone bills on their wives' credit cards. Consult your physician first. MR